BAD BROADWAY MUSICALS COME AND GO, BUT WHAT IS THE WORST MUSICAL OF ALL TIME?
Oh, Broadway -- you fickle mistress! You lift some shows up to the stratosphere rewarding them with critical and financial success, and you bury others under mounds of financial loss and public humiliation. You give, and you take away. You award, and you punish. Why would anyone in their right mind heed the siren call and offer themselves up to this sort of public pain and sacrifice? Why would anyone voluntarily place their bets on the table and spin the wheel when, statistically, most players lose their shirt, and are forced to do the walk of shame in all forms of media? And yet, they do. Sometimes, "you can't stop the music" is a threat. Click here for a fantastic blog about Broadway Flops!
THE TEN WORST MUSICALS OF ALL TIME!
FUN FACT: In addition to being a delicious wild fowl eaten once a year to commemorate the first Thanksgiving, A TURKEY is also a third-rate show that loses a ton of money and closes in disgrace!
10. SPIDERMAN: TURN OFF THE DARK
After the roaring success of Julie Taymor's The Lion King, Broadway anxiously awaited this legendary and visionary director's next musical theatre work. They got a flop for the ages with a score by Bono -- that's right, Bono. Though not nearly as awful as legend has made it, the show was plagued from its inception by bad word of mouth, actor injuries, and massive financial problems. The 27 aerial sequences were so difficult that there was no possibility of the usual out-of-town tryouts which made refining the actual book and score of the show more difficult than usual -- a recipe for disaster. There was the smell of disaster in the air. Taymor's vision was questioned at every turn and she eventually left the show before it opened. What was left in her wake was a colossal mess of a show that lost over 60 million dollars. Ouch! Though not necessarily as bad as some might remember, the show is the unquestioned champion when it comes to how much money it lost and will always be remembered as painful reminder of what a horrible investment Broadway show really are.
9. BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S: CLOSED IN PREVIEWS!
Among the worst stage adaptations of all time, Breakfast at Tiffany's actually closed before it even opened! Beloved television star Mary Tyler Moore headlined this unfortunate rendering of the classic novel and film version of the same name. The fact that Mary's musical theatre chops left a lot to be desired was not assisted by the surprisingly wooden work of Richard Chamberlain. The score by Bob Merrill lacked the magic of earlier shows like Carnival and the show refused to gel. Rewrites didn't help. Even though there was massive audience interest, the show never made it to opening night -- it closed in previews!
8. PIPE DREAM -- R&H's Worst Broadway Musical (sort of).
Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein enchanted Broadway audiences during the fabulous Golden Age with visionary shows like Carousel, The King and I, and The Sound of Music, but that didn't shield them from the occasional failure. Their biggest commercial disappointment was Pipe Dream based on John Steinbeck's picaresque novel SWEET THURSDAY. The signature Rodgers and Hammerstein style was certainly there -- the wise old mezzo-soprano, the uplifting theme, the comic/sentimental tone, the lilting melodies -- but this time it just didn't gel. Steinbeck's dry-eyed cynicism just didn't seem to fit them. Although the show actually had huge advance ticket sales and strong group sales, once the show opened it became clear that this particular show just didn't have the magic of the team's other work.
But, of course, that score. Admittedly not one of the best scores ever, but second tier Richard Rogers is basically first tier everyone else from the period which you will clearly hear in songs like "Everybody's Got a Home but Me" and "The Man I Used to Be." It may have been a flop, but it was still good, which just goes to show that "bad" is a relative term.
7. VARIOUS VAMPIRE MUSICALS: Dance of the Vampires, Lestat, Dracula!
Okay, people -- repeat after me: Dracula doesn't sing and dance. We learned this the hard way from three -- count 'em three -- different vampire themed musicals that opened and flopped in quick succession. Even if Lestat had had Tom Cruise (it didn't), it's hard to imagine exactly what the creative team of this show was imagining. Vampires only want one thing -- blood -- and that is hard to sing about. Not only that, but if you want to take the scare out of just about anything, turn it into a musical (Sweeney Todd being the sole exception). Investors and creatives just didn't seem to understand that audiences were not buying the most basic principle of musical theatre -- the singing part. Three bad scores, three bad concepts, and three mega-flops later (the reviews were savage), the hit "vampire musical" still seems to elude the Broadway stage.
6. MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG! Sondheim's worst Broadway show (until it wasn't).
Stephen Sondheim, the undisputed master of musical theatre, was not a stranger to flops. In addition to his legendary train wreck Anyone Can Whistle, there was the original 1981 Broadway production of Merrily We Roll Along, which opened and closed with a resounding thud after only 16 performances. In this case, however, the blame is shouldered largely by the creative decisions made by none other than Harold Prince. His casting concept seemed logical -- a stage full of young Broadway hopefuls with little experience, to play a stage full of young Broadway hopefuls with little experience. The costumes were little more than red t-shirts with white iron-on letters to identify the cast. The sets were similarly indistinct and conceptual. Audiences just didn't get it and neither did the critics who ripped the show to shreds in the papers and on television.
But here's where it gets good. Flop shows, for the most part, disappear from the scene and from the public imagination after one short season, but that isn't what happened to Merrily. The score and the story continued to hold the imagination of die-hard musical theatre fans and smaller productions, revivals, and re-writes started happening on a fairly regular basis. Eventually, the show was picked up by the Menier Chocolate Factory in London where it was almost completely resuscitated by Maria Friedman. It's most recent Broadway incarnation is a palpable hit after 40 years of gestation and it was certainly worth the wait. The movie will follow and Merrily will assume its rightful place in the Musical Theatre repertoire as maybe the best worst musical ever.
5. WORST "JUKE BOX" MUSICAL OF ALL TIME: LENNON -- Rock of Ages it ain't.
2005 brought us this jukebox musical flop at the tune of $7 million dollars. I suppose it seemed like a good idea -- after all, John Lennon was a musical icon for the ages. But somehow this musical, which cast a variety of diverse types (including women) to portray the eponymous rock legend failed to capture anything but the utter confusion of the audience who went expecting hit tunes from the Beatles catalogue. They got a few crumbs, but largely at the insistence of Yoko Ono, the score leaned much more heavily on Lennon's post-Beatle work leading many critics to accuse the show of being "Yono-centric". The show lasted a whopping 49 performances.
4. THE CAPEMAN -- West Side Story and then...?
This musical disaster was written by Paul Simon -- yes, that Paul Simon -- proving, once again, that Broadway even the most visionary artist with a verifiable track record, can flounder in this famously unforgiving medium. The new show was based on the life story of Salvador Agron, a convicted murderer. With its highly original, Latin-flavored score, by all rights, it should have worked. In reality, not so much. It certainly didn't help that Simon had made a fuss about what he considered to be the odd nature of music on Broadway which he thought of as an odd cul-de-sac that had somehow missed the rock and roll revolution. His disdainful comments ruffled the feathers of the community, and you could hear the faint sounds of critical knives being sharpened all over the city.
Of course, Capeman was the first major Broadway musical after West Side Story and Evita to tell an organic latinix story with an authentically latinix cast. Before Lin-Manuel Miranda cleaned house, Broadway was still struggling with the issue of representation, so the fact that Capeman had stepped in to fill the gap was very exciting. With Mark Anthony and Ruben Blades in the cast, Broadway finally had -- gasp -- cast non-white people to play non-white people. That fact alone gave the show a special aura. Honestly not the worst I've seen, but not the hit Broadway needed.
3. BIG! What is wrong with Broadway Musical Film Adaptations!
Broadway has a long history of adapting popular movies into musical comedy. Producers are betting that finding a great movie with a tried-and-true record, adding songs written by a popular team with an impressive track record, adding glitzy costumes and sets, and casting the hottest new talent is a formula that will lead to a guaranteed smash hit. The popular '80s film with Tom Hanks, who famously dances on those gigantic piano keys, practically screams musical theatre. The 1996 adaptation was helmed by Mike Okrent and the score was provided by Richard Maltby, Jr. and David Shire. With ten million at their disposal and a fairly enthusiastic review from The New York Times, it seemed like a sure thing. I saw the show -- it wasn't.
They say that timing is everything. In this case, Big opened alongside Julie Andrew's return to Broadway in Victor/Victoria and Jonathan Larsen's magnum opus Rent. Big seemed both overblown, dated, and worst of all, like an overlong commercial for the toy company that had provided so much of the backing, FAO Schwartz. Certainly not the worst Broadway show ever, but it lost the entire investment and that's a pretty good way to end up on lists like this.
2. The Scottsboro Boys! Social commentary goes South.
This one hurts. By all rights, this one should have worked. Kander and Ebb, once again, were doing their usual thing -- mixing an intoxicating brew of showbiz and politics, which is what they do best. This time, the political part was the trial of the Scottsboro Nine -- the infamous case involving nine black teenagers accused of rape in 1931 and run through a gauntlet of appalling injustices meted out by the racist system that had wrongfully accused them. The style Kander and Ebb used to tell this story was an old-time (racist) Minstrel Show with a heavy dose of irony, sarcasm, and old-fashioned song-and-dance razzle-dazzle
How can you argue with the score -- it's delicious, sharp, and witty. How can you argue with 12 Tony nominations -- that alone should get your respect. This show was nominated for every award possible! And the reviews? Critics loved the wit of the whole enterprise and it smelled like money. The show was designed to perfection, beautifully conceived and directed, brilliantly acted, and important.
But audiences said no. Maybe the Minstrel Show concept was too inside. Most contemporary audiences were ignorant of this particularly shameful period of American entertainment. Perhaps it was the politics? Audiences might have have simply been put off by the subject matter? Or was it the competition? Book of Mormon was on fire at the box office that year and swept the Tony Awards! Whatever the cause, the show closed before it's time.
1. Carrie! The Worst Musical Ever!
The worst musical of all time is CARRIE THE MUSICAL. For only five, count 'em, five blissfully bad performances, this Broadway mega-bomb proved the point with shocking aplomb. With an ear-splitting score of awful-icious (my word...don't look it up) songs by none other than Dean Pitchford and Michael Gore, a scenery-destroying performance by Betty Buckley (who replaced bullet dodging Broadway legend Barbara Cook), and the never-forgettable "pigs-blood" ballet, this leaden stinker ultimately achieved legendary status for all the wrong reasons. You can't help but wonder what the h-e-double-hockey sticks the producers were thinking. Bragging rights ultimately went to those who actually witnessed the debacle that had been unleashed on unsuspecting Broadway mavens -- of which, I'm quite proud to say, I was one. As far as I'm concerned, the show lowered the bar to the floor and nothing I've ever witnessed since then has delighted me more.
This show also contains what has to be the worst number ever composed.
BONUS: THE WORST MOVIE MUSICAL ADAPTATION OF A BROADWAY SMASH.
But why limit ourselves to Broadway? Anyone can produce a flop, and what better way to make a flop a flop for the ages than to bring it to the Silver Screen! There's nothing more elusive than the magic that makes a hit Broadway show sparkle and shine, but that never has stopped producers on the left coast from buying up the rights to the biggest hit Broadway shows and then adapting them for the big screen. Hell, sometimes it even works (i.e. Chicago). But it doesn't always work, and when it doesn't you can smell the flop sweat from miles away. A stage musical is a notoriously fickly creature. Even the best musicals of all time remain elusive to general principles of adaptation. Not even Rob Marshall gets it right all the time -- and he knows song and dance!
CATS! ONE OF THE WORST MOVIE MUSICALS OF ALL TIME!
The stage show charmed, enchanted and entertained Broadway audiences as the original British Mega-Musical. Though CATS certainly had its share of detractors, you certainly can't argue with the enormous amount of money it made the investors. With an idiosyncratic score by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, CATS delivered entertainment with a capital E just when Broadway was suffering from the financial doldrums. One smash hit tune -- Memory -- was all that was needed to make the show a legend. Then came the movie, easily one of the worst movie musicals in cinema history. From the title song, to the very end of the tedious affair, not even Dame Judi Dench could make this turkey trot.
Click here for some deliciously bad reviews of the worst movie musical of all time!
