What is ghosting and how should you respond to it?
Ghosting is when someone in a romantic relationship suddenly cuts off all communication with the other person, usually with no prior warning and without explanation. Although the term is most commonly used to refer to a romantic relationship, it can also apply to friendships, work relationships, or even family relationships. If you suddenly have no contact with your former date and have been blocked by them on their phone and on social media – congratulations -- you are being ghosted. This blog is mostly about the romantic form of ghosting, but it applies to all of it.
Click here for What psychology has to say!
Ghosted!
Rude relationship practices come in all shapes and sizes, but of all the impolite behaviors, “ghosting” tops the list. If you have been in a steady and intense romantic relationship for a given time and suddenly, for no apparent reason, are cut off from all contact with your partner, in all likelihood, you are being ghosted. The cut-off is usually abrupt and complete, leaving the person who has been ghosted completely mystified and ultimately hurt. In most cases, the person being ghosted will attempt to make contact either by phone or on social media and will be met with total non-communication. For this reason, the term ghost applies since the perpetrator has completely disappeared and the relationship has died.
What are the signs when people ghost you -- (seems like your phone's dead)!
You are being blocked on social media. If you have had regular contact with someone, either romantically or platonically, and you are suddenly unable to get in contact with them you have probably been blocked. If there has been no warning or explanation given for the blocking, you may have been ghosted.
Dates are being postponed or cancelled with no future plans being offered or made. A general sense of someone pulling away from plans or commitments, either current or future, is a good sign that they are backing away from you both physically and emotionally.
Phone calls and texts are not being returned. If you have left messages or sent texts on numerous occasions and the texts and phone calls are being either ignored or responded to in a perfunctory manner, you are probably being deliberately ignored!
A former ease of conversation suddenly feels awkward and forced. A significant change in the previous flow of conversation indicates a lack if interest on the part of your former friend/lover interest. Don't ignore this obvious sign that you are being pushed away.
Your friend has stopped making plans of commitments for future get-togethers and dates.
Finally, if you do manage to see them and they don't smile, or if the smile seems forced, they are definitely looking for a way out.
Why does someone become a ghoster and more or less say "I'm withdrawing from all communication!"
The obvious question here is why someone would engage in this obviously hurtful behavior. Wouldn't it be simpler and better to have a difficult and respectful conversation than to go to all the trouble and difficulties involved in blocking, ignoring and avoiding someone else? But, like most things in life, the answer is more complicated than that. Here are the top reasons that someone becomes a ghoster.
People who ghost want to take the easy way out. No one enjoys confrontation. Avoiding painful situations is completely human. People who "ghost" are trying to do an end-run around a messy and potentially embarrassing confrontation.
They have other options. Some ghosters might have several other romantic options available to them. Maybe they have turned their attention to another person and don't feel the need to officially "end" anything.
Online dating is tricky -- which you already know! If you're entire relationship is a match on a dating app, you probably haven't got a good basis for a relationship with a person. They may have figured out that you aren't the one and are swiping left emotionally.
They have been lying to you all along. You might be in the catfish zone. You never know if the person ghosting you has made up their entire life. Charming and sincere are not always found in the same person. Don't be surprised if the person ghosting you has a completely different life than the one they told you about.
Family issues. If your ghoster has unknow family issues and expectations, then you might simply not meet the standard that has been set by Mom and Dad. Maybe religious, political, or career expectations that you are unaware of are standing in the way. Check out this great article about Ghosting!
What is "soft ghosting"?
Soft ghosting is when someone is not being cut off completely without a word but are being gently pushed into the friend zone. The ghoster is looking for a way to end the relationship with the person but are hoping to avoid a confrontation. Social media makes soft ghosting easier to do than ever. You might get a simple emoji or one word text instead of a solid back and forth exchange.
Another awesome video about Ghosting!
Texting when you get ghosted.
This behavior is exactly the same wall of silence that people experience on social media posts. If you were in the habit of exchanging texts on a regular basis, the person you're involved with will simply stop responding, or they may respond with less enthusiasm or frequency. If this pattern repeats continues for many days, you are definitely being ghosted. Your texts might be blocked or unreturned. Don't be surprised!
How does it feel to be ghosted? How should you feel when they lose interest?
"What was I thinking?" Ghosting leaves you feeling like you have been foolish and stupid to place your trust in someone who ultimately turned their back on you. Though this kind of self-blame and feeling of shame is common, it is important to remember that you are not responsible for this behavior. Don't allow this one bad experience to shake your confidence.
"I feel like I'm in some kind of nightmare." Because the experience was so intense, and because you have suddenly been cut off, you might find it hard to accept that you are in the situation that you have been placed in. You are completely justified in this feeling. However, it is important to acknowledge the reality. You are waiting around for someone who is not into you! You won't feel better until you accept the situation.
"I could kill them." Being ghosted is completely infuriating. When it comes to rude dating practices it goes very close to the top of the list (after cheating). You absolutely should be angry.
"I told everyone about this person; I feel so embarrassed!" Also understandable. However, you shouldn't be embarrassed about having feelings for someone. Feel proud of the fact that you are honest and trusting. Once you truly accept that you have been placed in this situation by someone else, you will get over the embarrassment.
...and how you should respond to ghosting? Best ghosting responses!
Okay. You feel sad! You get angry! You just want to talk! These are all perfectly understandable responses -- it is completely normal to feel the way you do. Now, take a deep breath and consider -- what is the best way to deal with the situation you have been placed in. How exactly do you want to respond?
First of all, don't take it personally -- this is not your fault, and it doesn't mean that you're undesirable! Blaming yourself is pointless because you have done nothing wrong. While it is perfectly natural for you to consider your own responsibility in any break-up, when it comes to being ghosted, you are the victim and not the perpetrator.
Start by assuming that you are mistaken. Consider a friendly check in. Sometimes people are blindsided by work situations, family dramas, medical issues, or other life experiences that are legitimate reasons to stop talking to someone. Someone doesn't always have the emotional space to continue seeing someone, especially if it's something new.
If you don't get a response, wait a few days and try again. Giving them a second chance to respond is not unreasonable, after all, you just what to know what happened.
Directly confront your ghoster. Find them and get straight to the point. Let him know how you feel/say what you need to say. You feel hurt and you feel like you need to talk. After all, it's just wrong to drop someone without explanation!
Consider seeing a clinical psychologist. Ghosting behavior can lead to serious mental health consequences. If you are suffering or even just need to talk to someone rational, call a professional.
Do a cleansing ceremony: burn incense, light candles, do a dance, say a prayer. If you are not able to respond in any other way, take the time to mark the moment in your own life officially. Closure means that you will be able to move on.
Share your experience with someone you love. Telling someone what happened will certainly make you feel better -- say what you need to say and you're taking your power back!
Unfollow them on social media. You got this! Open your social media apps, your address books, your old text messages and start erasing. The only way to get back into your life is to let go of the past. You may not be ready to date again, but you certainly won't be until you realize that this person is not the one for you!
Meet new people and, maybe, find a new relationship. Dating someone else will make you feel better. Remember -- you are looking for the right person, not someone who is no longer interested in you. Don't let months go by before you move on with your life!
Consider yourself lucky. You might have dodged a bullet; after all, someone who ghosted you is probably not worth your time as a romantic interest.
The best advice I ever got was a girlfriend who said "why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want you? That simply truth hit me like a ton of bricks.
What To Say to Someone Who Ghosted You -- a sample script.
Healthy: Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. Over the last few days, I've gotten the impression that you're no longer interested in perusing a relationship. Of course, I can't read your mind, but unless I'm wrong, I think it's time for us to move on. I wish you all the best and hope you will find what you want in a relationship.
Unhealthy: Listen, jerk. I haven't heard from you in a week; it's like your phone's been dead. If you were looking for a way to end a relationship with me, you could have just said you were done. I'm not someone you just met yesterday!
What to Say Instead of ghosting someone -- according to Psychotherapy Central!
BAD WAYS TO RESPOND TO GHOSTING.
Obsessing: Constantly talking about, thinking about, and complaining about your ghoster will, in all likelihood, only exacerbate the problem.
Drinking/eating: Using alcohol or food as a way of dealing with your disappointment will not help you solve your problem, it will just delay it. You may feel even worse!
Harassing or stalking: It's tempting to force a confrontation but it's a bad idea and can even be illegal. Don't call or text thinking you'll feel better. Yes, you would like to talk -- don't.
Oversharing: Constantly writing, texting, and talking about the situation will not help you get over it. This constant reinforcement only delays the healing process. You are probably better off taking a total break from social media for a few days until the intensity of your feelings levels off.
Contacting the ghosters friends and relatives: I can't stress this enough. Do not try to contact others in the orbit of your ghoster. This will lead to embarrassment, anger, and humiliation. Once again, accept the situation and move on.
LET'S END IT WITH A SONG! I WISH YOU THE BEST!
And finally, I wrote a song about this very thing for my musical revue HOW RUDE. In this song, I was wondering what Cinderella would have felt if the Prince simply stopped looking for her.
ONCE UPON A TIME
ONLY YESTERDAY,
YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WANTED MORE,
YOU WOULDN’T WAIT OR BE DENIED.
NOW YOU’VE GONE AWAY,
REALLY GONE AWAY,
AND IT FEELS LIKE YOU
WERE NEVER BY MY SIDE.
OH, I’VE BEEN GHOSTED BY YOU.
WHY HAVE I BEEN GHOSTED BY YOU?
DID YOU EVER CARE?
WERE YOU EVER THERE
AT ALL?
EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED.
YESTERDAY IS DONE.
YOU DISAPPEARED WITHOUT A TRACE,
LEAVING A SAD AND BROKEN HEART.
OH, YOU LIED TO ME!
HOW YOU LIED TO ME!
‘CAUSE YOU TOOK MY LOVE
AND TORE IT ALL APART.
OH, I’VE BEEN GHOSTED BY YOU.
WHY HAVE I BEEN GHOSTED BY YOU?
DID YOU EVER CARE?
WERE YOU EVER THERE…
ONE DAY WE WERE KISSING,
AND THE NEXT DAY YOU WENT MISSING.
NOW YOUR TOTALLY DISMISSING
EV’RY CALL.
OUR LOVE WAS TOASTED BY YOU.
NOW I’M BEING GHOSTED BY YOU.
WAS IT JUST A GAME?
DID YOU FEEL THE FLAME?
GHOSTED BY YOU.
WHY HAVE I BEEN GHOSTED BY YOU?
DID YOU EVER CARE?
WERE YOU EVER THERE
AT ALL?
